A Holiday Letter

An Open Letter to the Parents of My Students,

As the holiday season begins it’s final descent and winter break draws near, I was hoping I could save us all some time (okay, save myself some time), by addressing a few concerns in one generalized response. Please, use the following choices as a create-your-own class letter.  Let’s begin!

a) Merry Christmas (No, of course I would never offend anyone with Merry X-Mas),

b) Happy Holidays (Yes, I value the separation of Church and State),

I wanted to let you know about some upcoming events in our room,

a) so that you will stop calling/emailing to ask what time the Christmas party starts.

b) so that you have an idea of what your child will be doing, since I understand that getting the information from him verbally would require Guantanamo-style interrogation.

c) so that you can throw this away unread, which (your child tells me) is what happens to most notes from school as well as some of her missing homework.

This  will be a fairly normal week. Except that all 400 students  in the school seem to be in on a Pact of Chaos and Minor Mayhem. Please feed them more sugar and remind them frequently that it is almost Christmas!! (I asked first of course. You all celebrate.) I expect them to do exceptionally well on their math tests tomorrow.

We will be having the holiday/December birthday party on Friday as planned. It will be at the end of the day. You may send the treats you signed up for if that applies to you.

If you are the parent who told me you are sending ice cream, I humbly request that you also stay to help dish up the 29 servings of ice cream, because in case you haven’t experienced that little joy recently I would love to share it with you. I only regret that since you wouldn’t be stuck doing it by yourself, you won’t get the full range of emotions that comes with trying not to curse aloud while scraping/wrestling ice cream out of a giant tub (perhaps with a plastic spoon) while 29 ten-year-olds tell you whether or not you’ve given them exactly the same amount as the child before them, and spill various toppings on the floor, most likely the red-colored sauce that you asked them to be really careful with because it would stain.  Oh, and being up to your elbows in cheap, melting, vanilla ice cream… while I’m sure it’s a spa treatment somewhere… finding it stuck between your fingers, across the knuckles of your scooping hand, gumming your arm hairs together, and perhaps spattered on your face as the pièce de résistance, it may make your skin crawl. But you won’t really have time to wash, because you’re also responsible for running two craft projects simultaneously, and cleaning up that red syrup that’s all over the floor.

Speaking of crafts, dear parents, I did my best. I know many of your budgets are tighter at home this year, as ours are at school. I wanted to make sure your children had something nice to bring home as a present for you, because I know some of them can’t give you anything else. I’m afraid it won’t look like much. All of the teachers purchase these supplies, as well as the gifts from us, out of our pockets. But, you know that whatever painted macaroni jewelry, school-photo ornaments, cardboard tube Santas, and paper snowflakes come home each year, they come from the heart- your children’s, and their teachers’.

On a final note~ No, I do not have any answers as to why the district scheduled a Monday-only school week next week. I did not get to make that call. However, I would appreciate it if you

a) would still send your child on Monday. It is the last day of the quarter, and she has missing work that needs to be finished for grades.

b) would start your family vacation Friday and keep your child home Monday. I think he and I are equally ready for the break from each other.

c) would use your best judgment on whether to send your children or not. I hope they come, but we’ll all survive either way.
Please enjoy your holidays, and I will see you in 2011.

~Ms. Corey

P.S.  If you are the parent who thinks she’s gotten away with her despicable behavior this week because I didn’t mention it above, you haven’t. I choose not to acknowledge you. If I thought that I could have a rational discussion with you, I would. Your attempt to get me, my grade level, and my school in trouble was mean-spirited and baseless, and you lost.  Your child will not suffer for your actions, I would never take my frustration (at your self-righteous ignorance) out on him, and the fact that you think I would shows the difference between you and me.

~

And speaking of elementary Christmas crafts…

here are a few of my own, from “the box.”

Check out the dress, circa 1989.

I think my fashion statement was a mix between this:

 

(images.contentreserve.com)

and this:

 

(patriotresource.com

I got my favorite movie and favorite book both in there. Ha!

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~ by Lindsey on December 15, 2010.

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